- Sophie Hwang
The season had changed. Summer was over, and the cold wind blew, and it got cold. It was already autumn. I felt the cold from the floor of the living room. I went back to bed and covered myself with a blanket. I wanted to keep sleeping. I had a lot on my mind. I got overwhelmed with helplessness and a sense of guilt, which made me heavy. I felt like I was deep down in the swamp. That was when I suddenly saw the closet. 'Oh, that's right. I have to arrange clothes for cold weather and put the summer clothes away.' Just thinking about it made my mind heavier. Many things were to do, but the body never wanted to move. I felt more depressed. I couldn't believe I was stuck in a room and doing nothing on a bright day. I felt empty and useless. I was feeling annoyed with everything. I just wanted to disappear from the world.
But the moment I left the house, I had to wear a mask as if I were okay. All the emotions used to burst out with crying in the car returning home.
I suffered from depression for many years. To get out of depression, I saw my favorite plays, musicals, and operas and traveled. However, no matter what I did, I was depressed, and I remained the same. The shadow of depression seemed to be weighing on me as if a very thick curtain drapes. Time passed by with difficulty even breathing.
Meditation allowed me to escape the long tunnel of darkness. At first, it was not easy to let go of what I thought was mine all my life. However, as if the baby was learning to walk, I began to let go of my obsession one by one. I was able to look into my mind and look deeply into the things I was depressed about, the people involved, and the emotions I had then. It became easier to let go, and my mind became at ease as time passed. As I felt comfortable, my tense muscles gradually relaxed, my body condition improved, and all the pain disappeared.
One day, when the burdens disappeared one by one while meditating, I found my body moving by itself. 'The weather got hotter.' The moment I realized it was summer, unknowingly, I opened the closet and drawers and took out everything from them. A lot of clothes, scarves, and accessories. 'Do I need all of these?' I talked to myself. I categorized what I need, what I don't need, what someone might need, but I don't need anymore. There was no hesitation that this might be necessary later. 'How can I be so confident to discard them?' I was surprised by myself. After putting them in a garbage bag away and taking them aside, I felt relieved.🌷🌻🌹
I hung what I needed in the closet. The closet, which was full and difficult to find, got spacious.
As I discarded my mind, I felt a similar feeling. Our brain sporadically stores what happened during the day. If you don't cleanse away, it remains just as trash. It will keep accumulated and disturbing you. I create time to settle down and close my eyes. I ponder upon what is bothering me. After I reflect on what gave me trouble, I throw them away. As I clean my mind, I become more at ease, like a spacious closet. What used to be a fuss is not a big deal. The natural smile comes on my face.
We feel anxious about vague things that we don't know well. When we can't handle it, we get frustrated and depressed. However, there will be a sense of relief from clarity when the substance gets identified. Even though I don't want to accept it, I can admit how I have lived. It is easy to face myself. Then now that it is just a shadow of the past, I abandon them. I clean away like scraping old, stubborn dirt out. Then, it disappears.
Along with anxiety and depression, the habit of procrastination also disappears. My body feels surprisingly light, and consciousness is clear as my mind's dirty debris is discarded. Positive energy rises. As I live as my true mind, depression is gone. Life is Beautiful. Thank you for your reading.🍁